phan- 'attacks'
by fangirlingclace
Summary: Dan has something i go trough everyday (i explain it in the beginning of the story). Phil helps him with this stuff but he hates involving him. *warning* contains mild/medium self-harm. (btw i dont know what the ratings mean sooo...) i may make more chapters if people like it so leave a review.


**Some phan angst. This is based on something I go through. It's like a little ball of sadness pops in my belly and I don't know why I'm sad. I have it a lot during the day and wanted to write about it. *warning* contains medium self-harm.**

 **Dan and Phil have been together for two years. When Dan gets his "attacks" Phil always helps him feel better. They are out on a date in a restaurant.**

(NPOV)

Dan and Phil are out on a date. Dan, of course has a full black outfit on and Phil has a red shirt with yellow stars on it and some light grey pants. Phil ordered a coca cola and Dan a cocktail. They are looking at the menu. "I already know what I want but I'm still going to look at the menu for 10 minutes." Dan says still looking at the menu. Phil laughs at the relatable comment his boyfriend made. "So, what are you going to order?" Phil asks. "I think some tacos, and you?" "I was also thinking tacos."

(DPOV)

While Phil is talking about how he thinks restaurants should have a pre-order system so you get your drinks and food at the same time I suddenly feel one of the worst feelings in the world. I'm having one of my 'attacks' again. I hate using that word but I don't know how to put it in a different way. Even though Phil always helps me with this stuff, I hate involving him in my problems. I decide to go to the bathroom. "Babe I got to go to the toilet, be right back." He smiles at me and continues to scroll on Instagram on his phone. I don't really have to go but I have to try to escape this feeling. I quickly go into one of the stalls and put my head in my hands. A few tears roll out of my eyes but I quickly wipe them away. The 'attacks' keep coming and won't stop. I finally decide to do the one thing that makes me feel a little bit better. I start pushing my nail into the left side of my thumb. I start tracing long lines and do it a few times. The pain in my hand makes me forget a little bit about the mental pain. I come out of the stall and walk back to the table. I try to hide the long red lines from Phil. I sit down in front of him.

(PPOV)

Dan sits back in front of me. He looks different than before. I hope everything's alright. "I already ordered the food." Dan looks up at me and smiles but quickly looks down again. I'm getting more concerned. "Are you alright Dan?" I ask worryingly. "Yeah I'm fine." He replies with a little fake smile. I suddenly notice that he's keeping his hands under the table. I see his face turn into a painful frown. I pray this isn't what I think it is. "Daniel?" I put both my hands on the table for him to grab. He looks up at me and hesitates for a second. He then grabs my left hand with his right hand. "Yeah Phil?" He doesn't look me in the eyes. "Show me your left hand." I say. He waits a few seconds and then puts his left hand in my right hand. I look at his thumb and see the new red long lines. Pain and rage shoot thru me. "Dan are you having 'attacks' again." I ask and hope with all my heart he says no. "Please don't call them 'attacks'." He replies. I can see it hurts him.

(NPOV)

"We can leave if you want, Dan." Phil squeezes Dan's right hand a little. "No..." He says holding back tears. "Dan it's ok.." He gets cut off by Dan. "No! Every time we do something fun I have to ruin it with these stupid things that happen to me. I just want to have fun with you for one evening but I guess my body doesn't want that." A few tears fall from his eyes." Phil hates seeing him like this. Dan may not be the brightest person but he doesn't deserve all this. "Dan, I will have more fun with you at home with some coffee on the couch where I can help you get thru this, than here at this restaurant. So will you please come home with me?" Phil stands up and walks over to Dan. "I love you Dan, and I want to help you with this stuff. I can't feel your pain but when you're in pain I'm in pain." Dan stands up and hugs Phil." I love you too, Phil." He says muffled into Phil's shoulder. "let's go home, Dan." They stop the hug. "I'll go pay the bill, you wait at the door." Phil walks to the reception and Dan to the door. Dan looks at his left hand. The red lines are already beginning to fade. But the 'attacks' were still coming. The pain and sadness kept filling him up and pushing all his happiness away. Just as Dan makes a move to grab his left hand to make the pain go away, Phil grabs it instead. "Let's go home." Phil says while entwining his hand into Dan's. They get a cab and step out when there at the apartment. They enter the building and walk up all the stairs. Phil is about to put the key in the lock when Dan stops him. "Wait." Dan puts his arms around Phil's neck. He gives him a little kiss on the lips. "Even though I feel like shit right now, I am so happy that you are my boyfriend and that you help me with this stuff. If you weren't here right now I don't think I would survive this. I don't think I would've lived thru all these years. I love you, Phil and I don't say it enough." Phil smiles and hugs Dan. After a few minute they go inside.

 **Hey! I hope you liked this, I really loved writing it. I will maybe write more chapters but idk yet. Leave a review if you want xxx AJ**


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